cuimhinliom: (touch heal)
I've never really liked sleeping with people. Oh, not the sex part. The sex was alway fun. Or, well, not fun always 'cause some guys in the past just didn't quite...but. You know what I mean. The actual sleeping bit. It was always: sex, cuddle for a bit, kiss goodnight, then--my side of the bed, your side of the bed. Or, skip the sex, straight to the cuddling, then to the separation to sleep. Body heat seems to rise at night, and as I need to be cold most of the time to sleep well, that didn't work. Plus, people twitch. They toss. They shift. And when they do all that in the bed, it moves it. When they do it all against you it's nearly impossible to sleep.

So, I never really liked sleeping with people. Not in this lifetime anyway. Etain did. Not Angus, though. Just Midir. Never Eochaid. I guess that doesn't really prove a distinction, huh? Last summer, Midir and I only slept together afterwards once. And for the first time in my life, it wasn't so bad. But I was nervous. Jumpy. I still didn't sleep well.

After the...incident last summer, I didn't want anyone even in the room while I slept. Not even when Alisha would spend the night. I made her sleep on the couch and still slept fitfully. Being attacked in your sleep will do that for you. Then I met Michael. He can do this thing where he dreamwalks you. Like, you can be far away and he thinks of you and is in your dreams. When we couldn't see each other as often as we liked, we'd do that instead. Only, when you fall asleep in your dream? It sort of ends. We were usually cuddling at that point, and I'd fight to hold on, to stay "awake," not because I didn't want to fall asleep in his arms, but because if I did it would mean he'd go away. But I usually did. Now, admittedly, that was dream-holding.

But then he came for the first weekend visit. He was just a boy I was sort of seeing casually. I really figured I'd be enforcing the my side of the bed-your side of the bed rule. I mean, sometimes you have to give in a relationship, you know? But casual sex? Or at least semi-casual? You get to have your rules. But I fell asleep in his arms. And I woke up in his arms. And it was good, really good. It didn't even occur to me to put him on his side of the bed.

When Beltane. The first time the three of us...were together. Gods, you'd think that'd be worse right? Not just one other person, but two? And me in the middle? But it wasn't. When we woke up, Midir had left and it felt empty.

After the attack this summer, I didn't want to be touched. We all went to the Tower and Sam gave us our own suite of rooms and we've got this huge bed. We can all sleep without touching. And when we first got there, that was good. The "my side of the bed" rule was firmly in place. But slowly, as I've healed, I've been able to let them touch. And I've touched. And then I wanted to hold and be held. And slowly, that space in the middle of the bed with me on one side and them cuddled on the other, has been shrinking. Then we added Noah, as well. He sleeps out of the bedroom now that he's more secure, but he likes to come in and wake us up in the morning. Which reminds me that we so need to get locks for that door. But, he'll come in and snuggle up next to me. Michael's in the middle usually. Midir on the other side of him. I still...I feel trapped easily, even though I am getting better. I still don't like to feel trapped. I need an escape route. Just in case the panic sets in. But Noah's not panic inducing, and that's at wake up time anyway.

And that's my favorite time of day now. Waking up, snuggled next to Michael, with Midir's arm around us both (though, gods, Michael, really? How do you sleep? Don't we suffocate you?) and Noah curled up against me. That morning time, when the four of us are together and we can talk a little, or just snuggle or whatever. Before everything starts. Before Noah usually wants to play or starts telling us he's hungry. When it's just us, and everyone's rested and yet still kind of warm and sleepy. That's my favorite time of the day.


cuimhinliom: (Default)
Keelia Gallagher / Étáin

January 2010

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