Mar. 10th, 2006

cuimhinliom: (Staring at the sun)
At times, lots of people never tell us what they are really thinking. Who is the one person that you would really like to know what they are thinking (as far as how they feel about you), and why?

Is it cheating to say everyone? Anyone? I mean, the question it just feeling? Or thinking? Because they're different, you know. You can feel something about someone and hate yourself for it because of what you think about them. And I suppose you could think someone is the most wonderful person in the world, and yet not know what to feel about them, or not feel anything, really.

I suppose I'm more interested in what people think, than feel, in regard to me. I know how most of them feel. I know Michael and Midir love me. I know Noah loves me as his mother. I know Sam values my friendship. I know Alisha does, too.

The whole feel question seems to bring up the question of love. "How do you feel about her?" almost indicates a question of friendship or romanticism. Or perhaps I'm just reading too much into it. Perhaps recent events have just made me...question feelings. Their trustworthiness. They seem to change so quickly.

But thinking. Logical, rational assessment of a person's weaknesses, strengths, general character. I'd much rather know that.

Do they look at me and see a weak, fragile girl who needs to be protected? Do they see how far I've come? How far I have left to go? Do they think I complain too much? Am silent too often? Am I giving? Am I a doormat? Am I strong? Can I face them? Can I help fight? Can I walk alone, in my own right, or do they think I'm completely dependent on Michael, Midir, and Sam? Do they think I'm a frightened little girl, or a woman of strength?

It's so hard sometimes, being what I am, where I am. Just a girl. Nothing...special. Nothing to make me stand out. I walk with aliens and fairy princes and archetypes made flesh and mutants and other beings of immense power. Death herself has lent me aid, as has Pestilence. Yes, them. I've danced with demons and had tea with gods. I know a Warlord Prince who's power makes the room sing, and the beautiful Queen he's sworn his life to.

These are my family. My friends. Even my human friends are demon hunters and seers and witches and Immortals and...sometimes I just wonder.

What do these people see? These powerful, beautiful people?

I don't have any special powers. Whatever knowledge of magic the Sidhe carry is locked away so tight in my memories--in Etain's memories--that I can't access it. I can't even make a pencil move, let alone create light or heal with a touch. I don't make worlds and I don't do a very good job of protecting them, or myself. I'm not a scientist or a doctor. I'm just an English teacher with a good mind for literary analysis and I see patterns where sometimes others don't. I can dance, but even that's just hobby and what use is it to anyone?

It's not...this isn't something I suppose I sit around going "Oh, poor me" about, and that's not at all what I'm trying to say here.

See, I know I'm loved. I know I'm valued. I have a family--a wonderful, gifted, magical family that I would do anything for and they've proven they'd do anything for me.

And it's not that I have low self esteem or need other people to build me up. I mean, yeah, growing up as the "crazy" one who made up impossible stories about being a fairy princess and screamed when her nightmares about the wicked queen were too real...okay. That gets to you. You always think that everyone thinks you're crazy. Hell. YOU start to think you're crazy, and you bottle it all up.

But that's not the case any more. The people I love--even my parents--they all know I'm not crazy. It was real. It is real. Just...gods, just look at Midir. He's real. And so is she, and I didn't imagine it all.

But even that's not one of those things where I think people must not like me or whatever. You all have proven that untrue time and time again.

It's just...beyond that...beyond...I don't know.

So many powerful people all around me and it humbles me and I just wonder...why me? How did I get here? And what do they all think about it?


cuimhinliom: (Default)
Keelia Gallagher / Étáin

January 2010

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